Humor

God is dead.
Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead.
God

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Question: How many skeptics does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Answer: Light, in a BULB?!

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Atheist: What’s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Praying.
Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back.
Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered!

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An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving ... As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

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The Angry Atheist

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replies the preacher.

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The Pastor, the Vicar, and the Atheist

One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says," Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!" So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them.

Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says," Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!" And like the Pastor the Vicer exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait.

When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells," Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!" and proceeds to clim out of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this point the Pastor says,


"Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

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If there were no God, there would be no atheists.

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A young woman teacher explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.

A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I'm not an atheist.

"Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?""I'm a Christian."The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian."Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

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An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

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An Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."